Thursday, March 15, 2012

life, its hard.

goodness, is life ever a struggle. it has to be so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel for some. what i find to be interesting is that, we often look at other peoples trials and say, "i'm so glad thats not me" and many times i think the feeling is mutual. i also think through our trials we can become so strong. its a very personal time in life. if we allow it to, it will change us. sometimes and i always hope it changes me/you for the best. i hope to never become bitter because of the path that i am on and many times chose. 

i know it must be the most annoying thing to hear, but SO MUCH good can come from some of the darkest times in our lives. our dark times can bring us right back to where we need to be. it will prepare us for what is to come. it makes us the individuals we are meant to be. it can bring a true appreciation to the small moments. 

sometimes i hear defeat in someones voice as they vent their frustrations, feeling so torn and almost ashamed for things in life that they have no control over. whether its our health. our financial well being. our personal relationships. why feel shame? why so guilty? why so much blame? we will never have complete control of our lives. no matter what, our bodies are going to fall apart. no matter what, we might be let go from a job. no matter what, we change and we grow- sometimes people grow apart. it just is. there is no what if. sometimes life just happens and we don't understand why right away. 

sometimes we can look back and have great understanding of why. i guess some can't and sadly never will. i can't help but to appreciate all of it. my health, my own little insecurities, my broken hearts, the hearts i've broke, the horrible jobs, the toxic relationships, the financial struggles, the feelings of complete defeat. it all sucks. i can say this, every moment is worth it. 


ps. cats with laser beam eyes can make everything better. i promise.





Thursday, March 08, 2012


last few months in a nutshell...
{anyone else considering leaving blogger because they're formatting sucks!}





lately... (a blog post of random thoughts dying to get out)

i feel like all i do is work. which isn't too far from the truth. it could be slightly concerning when you look at the clock one minute and its 8:20am and then the next, minute the sun has set and its almost 8pm.

tonight might have been the latest i've worked yet. the cleaning guy came into my office while i was still there. needless to say, it is quite startling when:

A- your office door is locked.
B- you are alone and in walks a guy with a plastic bag. 
C- you may have been singing very loudly to Kimbria's "Settle Down"
D- there is the slight possibility you may have had moments of talking to yourself


**C & D were probably far more scary for him. 


my 29th birthday will be here in no time... i have this vision of how my party should look. with that being said, i am planning it (which really means, decorating it) mason jars, sparklers, balloons, cute fabric... you get the picture right? jokingly i thought i would have every gather at my apartment - after they are all there i'll instruct them on how to yell "surprise" after I walk out and then walk back in. i have one word- epic.


i am all scheduled for sinus surgery first week of april. my doctor assures me that not having chronic sinus infections and being able to breathe is life changing. i might be a bit of a skeptic. or just scared he is going to ruin my face.


lately i wish i were better with words. i think if i were a musician, i'd be a lot less stressed. im convinced that singing loudly in your car can cure anything. i am also convinced that writing your own music and then singing it loudly in your car is the cure for cancer- not chuck norris' tears. 
**this song and this song seem to keeping me sane. 

Lana Del Rey is strange. 


the cat paint app is awesome. sadly, some just don't get it. i'm weird. they bore me. 


i finally got new batteries for the film camera. i used all my polaroids. 3 pictures turned out. 1 kind of did. no matter what, it was fun. 






Tuesday, February 28, 2012

“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.” 
 Kahlil Gibran



Thursday, February 23, 2012

I think I just fell in love...




Speaking of love..

today I mentioned I had less than a month until I turn 29. one of the first things he said to me was, "wow, last year of your twenties! so you thinking about finally getting into a serious relationship?"

its kind of funny, that he said that to me. it was probably 49% joke and 51% serious. i'm not really sure that i see that in my near future. who really knows though, i mean the last time i said that, i ended up in a relationship... and maybe i am just not really interested in having a romance because they are just draining. seriously. or maybe its just the thought that is draining. either way, energy is lacking.

not to mention, with each date, 99% of the time i die a little on the inside. there is a 1% though- you few good men know who you are. you are rockstars.

do i think this is going to happen at 29 for me, probably not.
is year 29 going to be epic, probably so.

why, because i have awesome friends. and i can just love them instead. respectfully of course...


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

in 1989, i learned "words can hurt just as bad as a punch in the arm". a lesson in primary, truly influenced who i am today. this story had such a strong impact on me that not a day passes without me thinking of it. i remember coming home that Sunday and telling my parents that i wanted to write down every bad and mean word on a piece and bury it in the backyard. i really thought it would make everything better. burying all of the hurtful words would take the hurt out of the world. i don't remember if we actually did it. 

i think apart of that naive little 6 year old girl is still alive in me- telling me to just write down all the bad things in the lives of those i love and my own life and bury them in the backyard. and the silly part of me wonders if that would just make everything all better. we could heal all the broken hearts and take away all the mean words. i liked who i was at 6. she was a smart little cookie.


“Hurry up, Mom!” five-year-old Jackson shouted. He grabbed the Book of Mormon storybook and plunked down on the bright blue beanbag chair.
Four-year-old Michelle plopped down beside him. “Story time!” she cried, eagerly clapping her hands.
Mother squeezed between them on the beanbag chair and opened the book. “Let’s see. … Yesterday, we were reading about the Anti-Nephi-Lehies, weren’t we?”
Jackson nodded.
“They were Lamanites. And they’d been converted to the gospel, remember?”
“And they were really wicked!” Michelle declared emphatically.
“Yes, they were really wicked. But when they were converted, they wanted to repent,” said Mother. “They promised the Lord that they would never fight again. In fact, they buried all their weapons of war in a big pit—see,” she said, pointing to the picture.
“Wow!” Jackson cried excitedly. “Look at all those weapons. Swords and bows and arrows and all kinds of things!”
“That looks fun!” exclaimed Michelle. “Let’s bury our weapons, too, Jackson!”
Jackson giggled. “Oh, Michelle, don’t be silly. We don’t have any weapons.”
“Hmmm,” Mother said thoughtfully, “You may not use swords and bows and arrows, but sometimes the things that come out of your mouths hurt too.”
Michelle wrinkled her forehead. “What comes out of our mouths?” she asked, puzzled.
“Words,” said Mother.
“You mean words like stupid and dumb, don’t you?” Jackson asked.
“Right,” said Mother. “Sometimes words hurt as much as a punch on the arm.”
“Then we must bury our bad words,” Michelle urged, “and never use them again!”
“I know what,” said Mother. “You tell me some words that hurt other people’s feelings, and I’ll write them down on slips of paper. Then you can dig a big hole and bury all those bad words, just like the Lamanites buried their weapons.”
“Great idea!” Jackson exclaimed. They found some paper and tore it into pieces. Then they thought of all the unkind words that they knew. Mother wrote them down.
“Come on, Michelle, let’s go dig that pit now,” Jackson called enthusiastically. They dragged their dad’s shovel out of the garage and raced to the unplowed area behind the garden.
Jackson jabbed the shovel tip into the dark, rocky soil. He pushed as hard as he could, but the ground was so hard that he loosened only a small clump of dirt.
“Boy! You’re not very strong,” Michelle remarked saucily.
“Well, you’re pretty weak yourself,” he growled back. Then he stopped. “Hey, wait a minute. We’re supposed to be burying those kinds of words! Sorry.”
“Me, too,” Michelle told him sincerely.
Jackson gripped the shovel handle with both hands, then jumped on the back end of its blade as he had seen his dad do. He hovered there for a few seconds as it teetered in the hard dirt; then he lost his balance and sprawled on the ground.
“Are you OK?” Michelle asked anxiously.
“Sort of,” he replied, wincing. “But we can’t quit now. The Lamanites didn’t quit until all their weapons were buried.” He gritted his teeth determinedly.
“How about trying this?” Michelle suggested, handing him a garden trowel that they used in their sandpile.
Jackson took it and chipped at the dirt while Michelle dug with a stick.
Soon they were covered with dust and dirt, but the hole was dug. They put all the papers with the unkind words written on them into the hole. Then they pushed the dirt back.
“Are you finished yet?” Mother called from the kitchen window. “I’ve made some hot muffins for my two hungry Anti-Nephi-Lehies.”
“Yes,” answered Jackson. “Our weapons are finally buried!”
“And,” Michelle solemnly declared, “we won’t ever use them again!”


Sunday, February 05, 2012

video



Today I was going through looking at some old pictures and videos. I don't know how but I completely forgot about this one! Its a favorite of mine... This will make you chuckle. I promise. 

Saturday, February 04, 2012

higher and higher and higher*




I just got home from a date and it was, ehh. Too white bread. 


Don't get me wrong, we had some good laughs but it was clear that he and I were on 2 very different paths. I felt really old. Compared to the guys I usually end up going out with, he was just a baby. haha.


Looks like I will no longer be following the drunken advice of my older male friend- "MyKelle, you know why you are single?!? Because all us old men are screwed up. Be the COUGAR!" (or something like that)


- I'm just not the "pounce like a cheetah" type. I guess you could say I am more of the "pinned"(like in Bye Bye Birde, not Fast Times at Ridgemont High)kind of girl. in case you were wondering.




So shortly after the date, my friend text me the "how was the date?" text and reminded me that Passion Pit was tonight! Considering it ended with zero hug (I don't hug freely**) and only lasted an hour- I ran home to purchase my tickets. I remember on a very busy day at work, I got an email informing me of this show. Of course I told myself I'd remember to get my tickets- I didn't. Lucky for me, I have a girlfriend with a husband who works for a concert venue and has great taste in music. 









* That one line has been floating around in my head since I read the words "Passion Pit is tonight"
** That is another blog post for another evening.